Mommy's Lament

I used to know this lady.

She was a person who knew her own worth, and you could tell that just by looking at her. Her make-up, jewelry and clothing were not the most up-to-date or expensive; but planning, care, and taste were evident in them. Her hair and nails and skin were well-cared for, and her best features were enhanced with thoughtful restraint.

She loved many people very well, and was well-loved in return. Her limited time, resources and energy were used intentionally on things that were worthwhile and important. She and her husband lavished each other with affection. They laughed often, pursued hobbies together, and had many shared goals to work toward as they anticipated their future.

She was fit, a Marathoner, even. She had friends who were good influences and encouraged her to strive for achievement professionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually. “Just Do It,” was more than a cliché in her world-view. It was a way of life. Unencumbered by inertia, she navigated obstacles and negative influences to be a person who respected and inspired herself.

Where did she go? I miss her. Was that really me?

Now I am Mommy and Aunt Diana, primarily. I am not sure what others see when they look at me, but I see someone with a lot of potential who has let her “self” go. I know these crowded, child-rearing years will not be forever, but before (in a former life, it seems) I found I was unable to blossom as my own self while I was drowning in “mommying” the first time around. It wasn’t ‘til I became an empty-nester at age 36 that I was able to act on what I knew was best for ME. I am terrible at putting my needs and wants as a top priority. Do I really need to wait another 18 years before I can grasp that concept again?

I am a firm believer that my actions will teach my kids way more than my words will. I want to be a good, healthy, fit, and productive example for my precious girls. Can I fake it til I make it? I need prayer, inspiration and a swift kick in the pants.